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14 July 2013 @ 08:20 pm
On friendship and when to stop being so stupid  
Mood: Upset.
Listening to: ---.
Thinking: 5 more days... 5 more days...
Weather: Sunny .

My post was supposed to be quite positive today but... I just feel really bitchy and upset at the moment and need to let it all out, to the point that I feel like I need advice from you guys.

I never truly lie on my journal (or twitter). I'm just the way you perceive me here: generally very positive, always looking for the good in every person and situation. And as a result of being this way, sometimes I overlook some things that shouldn't be overlooked and end up forgiving/letting pass things that shouldn't be forgiven/let pass. Basically, I feel foolish.

My nearby friends never make the effort to meet up with me when we're barely 30 minutes away from each other's place, and when we do, the things we originally planned never happen. Remember the photoshoot Wada and Cata promised me 2 years ago? Well yeah, it never happened, but we are supposed to do it this month and they haven't even contacted me ever since I ASKED THEM WHEN THEY WANTED TO DO IT AT THE BEGINING OF JUNE.

I feel like I'm not standing for myself. Like I'm not making people respect me and I'm considering my friends people who don't even move a finger to see me and catch up with life.

How is it possible that Marie and Sae, who are over another fucking continent, would meet up with me more frequently than these two if they ever had a chance to be physically close to me? And we don't even need anything complicated: bedroom, snacks and movie times starts rolling and we don't even spend 1 fucking hour planning it. We have a 5 hour difference, unni works a lot, Marinnie studies a lot, I study, do pilates, Japanese and Korean and we STILL find the time to catch up and keep in touch! I don't think they (my nearby friends) have en excuse: if they love and care about me, they WILL make a space in their lives for me, right? Well, that isn't happening, and I'm really tired of going after them, always asking "hey, when can we meet up? I miss you guys".

What do you think about this guys? What are your 'friendship standards'?
 
 
Current Mood: upset
 
 
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
d.bhitsujiga on July 13th, 2013 08:40 pm (UTC)
sometimes even good friends can be really busy or really do not care about you...they will be in your life when /they want to/...you can't change anything about that. i can understand you are upset and i have experienced similar things but i just hate to run after friends who don't have time for me.
but instead of being upset about it for a very long time,..or waiting until they come to your place..or pestering them until they do the photoshoot out of guilt-tripping..just let them be and carry on?
it's understandable that you are upset and you should definitely tell your friends that you are and why and that you miss them maybe. but that should be it. this is all they should need to be reminded that you need time with them.

on the contrary, don't try to make them feel bad for not spending time with you. after all it's their life and their choice and imo a good friend is who you can come to even if you didn't speak for months and he's still happy to see you without nagging about past times not spent together. be that friend. if you're expecting to receive just because you give, it's a foul deal. if you spend time with internetfriends maybe it is that time, the other friends would have time for you? idk.

communicate you are unhappy about the situation, but don't expect a change? the only one who you can change is yourself. if the constant being apart from your friends makes you unhappy, do something about it. if they still make you unhappy even when you meet up, rethink if they are worth your time. but most of all, do that photoshoot you wanna do and don't wait for others to make it happen! <3
소라jeune_fleur on July 24th, 2013 12:56 am (UTC)
I'm sorry, hun, but I can't agree with you here ;_; there are many things that are needed to be called a friend, and caring is absolutely on the top 5! I can understand busy - hell, I am a busy person myself! But not caring... that's too much.

Even if we try not to focus on receiving, we must admit friendship is a constant feedback, and you can't give feedback when there's no one on the other side of the line hearing what you have to say. It's about caring and loving each other, being there in good and bad times. Not necessarily all the time, but some time yeah.

I'm not expecting changes. I don't expect them to spend ridiculous amounts of time with me. I'd be more than happy with seeing them once a month or even every two or three months. But this? We haven't properly hung out since LAST YEAR. I remember I was wearing shorts and a tank top when I hung out with them the last time; now I'm covered in my blanket and drinking super hot tea.

I have no idea if they were free while I was hanging out with my "internet friends" because they have never expressed it. And even though they asked me now, I'd still choose to hang out with my internet friends, because they have been there more, through good and bad, and they've proved that they'd love to do stuff with me and will make time if needed.
Maybe if I do that yeah, I won't hang out with them anymore, but that is because I have somewhat reached my limit.

I won't make them feel bad for not spending time with me, nor will I question their choices anymore. I have gotten to the point that, as you say, I have to change myself. I need to focus my time and energy on the right people that do want to see me and will be able to hang out with me at least once every season XD.
Noeliastrawwberrry on July 13th, 2013 09:46 pm (UTC)
Ugh, el tema de la amistad es más complicado de lo que debería. Para mí es muy simple, aunque me han dicho que en ese sentido soy bastante fría. Pero es lo único que me salva de llevarme decepciones.

Por una parte es normal que tus amigas se olviden de algo que te "prometieron", porque están ocupadas o porque simplemente se les olvida. Pero si se lo repetiste ultimamente y saben que es algo que para vos es importante (lo cual no necesitás decirselo, si no es la primera vez que se lo decís pueden darse cuenta -en el caso de la sesión de fotos-), tal vez tenés que pensar si no están tratando de evitarlo. Si están ocupadas por la razón que sea, simplemente te lo pueden decir en vez de dejarte esperando.

Hay gente que es muy despreocupada con todo, no sé si te parece que es el caso de ellas, pero si te valoran como amiga creo que un mensajito diciendo "estoy muy ocupada, después te digo" o "podemos pasarlo para más adelante?" o incluso un "no voy a poder" serían lo que como amiga deberías esperar, no?

El hecho de que vivan cerca y no se vean más seguido, yo no me preocuparía tanto por eso. No creo que sea necesario verse seguido por más amigas que sean. Lo importante es que si necesitás algo están para vos y no pongan excusas para no verte cuando les decís que te gustaría juntarse.
Yo tengo una amiga que conocí mas o menos en la misma época que te conocí a vos (un poquito después); vive en Lomas, que tiene su hora y algo de viaje desde Capital, pero no es tanto; podríamos vernos más seguido y aún así nos vemos una vez cada tres meses. Porque somos vagas y es simplemente la relación que tenemos; antes cuando yo estaba en Trelew tampoco nos hablabamos tan seguido por chat pero la amistad la mantuvimos. Aún así si ella me pidiera un favor o simplemente me dica que nos juntemos, apenas tenga el tiempo me tomo el colectivo. Y cuando yo le digo que deberíamos juntarnos, me responde diciendo el día que puede.

O sea, repito, no es necesario verse seguido para considerarse amigo con alguien, pero la verdad es muy feo ser siempre la que manda los mensajes diciendo "cuándo nos juntamos?". Tenés que preguntarte si tus amigas realmente valoran tu amistad, o sea si en verdad son tus amigas.
No sé si querés preguntarles acerca de eso.. Es una conversación muy incómoda. Pero si para vos es importante por ahí deberías o decirselo o pensarlo bien vos.

Los amigos que uno hace lejos suelen ser los mejores, lástima que justamente estén tan lejos : / Pero es bueno tener amigos cerca. Por eso tenés que asegurarte que sean realmente tus amigos. Deberías rodearse solo de gente que te valore.
Noeliastrawwberrry on July 13th, 2013 09:46 pm (UTC)
Tanto iba a escribir? D: jajaja
소라: Key Sherlockjeune_fleur on July 24th, 2013 12:39 am (UTC)
Hay gente que es muy despreocupada con todo, no sé si te parece que es el caso de ellas, pero si te valoran como amiga creo que un mensajito diciendo "estoy muy ocupada, después te digo" o "podemos pasarlo para más adelante?" o incluso un "no voy a poder" serían lo que como amiga deberías esperar, no?

Ese es EXACTAMENTE el caso. Son super despreocupadas. No es que si vos no les mandás nada, insisten. No, queda todo ahí, como si nunca se hubiese hablado.
De hecho, la conversación estuvo congelada un mes cuando una de ellas nos pidió que esperásemos a que terminara el cuatrimestre. Bárbaro, esperamos, y YO volví a preguntar. Esa misma chica dijo "la semana próxima tengo vacaciones en el laburo". ¡JOYA! Pregunté cuándo podían, y al día de la fecha (2 semanas después, pasada su semana de vacaciones) no respondieron NADA. O sea.... no entiendo XD.

Si, la verdad que me di cuenta de eso hace poco. Hace unos dias me reencontré con una amiga de la infancia; habíamos perdido el contacto como por 10 años y sin embargo parecía que jamás hubiesemos dejado de vernos. Pero es diferente, porque con ella yo ya tengo una historia compartida, toda una infancia, y ninguna cambió drásticamente. Nos encontramos iguales que como cuando eramos chiquitas.

Estaba por decirte "ellas no se negarían a verme si necesito su ayuda", pero me acordé de un suceso donde me fallaron feo (y encima yo no dije nada). ¿Te acordás de estas fotos que hice para la facu? Bueno, originalmente las iba a hacer con ellas dos como modelo. Lo planeé todo con un mes de antelación, les dije que por favor no me fallaran que era un final muy importante, y encima contaba con poco tiempo, y el mismo día de las fotos, a unas pocas horas de que vinieran, LAS DOS ME CANCELARON. ¿Por qué? Porque estaba lloviznando. ¡Ni que fuese un diluvio y se hubiera inundado todo! Era una llovizna inocente que no hacía daño a nadie. Ofrecí que mi viejo las fuera a buscar y "no nooo la llovizna". En fin.

Yo no se cuánto me valoran, al final. Una de ellas siempre me apoya en lo que hago y todo pero... no se, faltan esas cosas que hacen a la amistad también. Que se yo T_T.
Alessa: [Hatoful Boyfriend] Oh?randomrape on July 14th, 2013 03:42 am (UTC)
Creo que entiendo lo que dices. Mi mejor amiga vive a 2 horas de distancia de mi casa y aunque normalmente ambas andamos muy ocupadas por los estudios y las cosas de la vida aún así encontramos el tiempo para vernos y hacer cosas juntas... en cambio yo solía tener una amiga que vivía a 4 cuadras de mi casa y jamás nos veíamos porque por algún motivo no tenía la voluntad de que hiciéramos nada, a pesar de que estábamos a 5 minutos de distancia.

Creo que el punto aquí es que a veces uno puede sentir que da demasiado mientras la otra persona parece no sentir el interés o simplemente "no le nace". Yo creo que cuando una amistad es verdadera y el cariño existe, ambas personas naturalmente se van a buscar y van a querer hacer cosas juntas sin que se necesite planear mucho a esforzarse.

Si estas personas que tu dices parecen no poner el interés por verte, entonces probablemente tampoco merecen que tu tes esfuerces o te sientas mal por ellas.
소라: Bambijeune_fleur on July 24th, 2013 12:29 am (UTC)
Yo creo que cuando una amistad es verdadera y el cariño existe, ambas personas naturalmente se van a buscar y van a querer hacer cosas juntas sin que se necesite planear mucho a esforzarse.

También pienso lo mismo. Sin ir más lejos, el día que fui a cenar con mi amiga de la infancia, viste que lo planeamos en 3 días nomás.

Yo la verdad estoy pensando no seguir esforzándome mucho. Tal vez de vez en cuando lo intente, porque quisiera tener una mejor amistad con ellas, pero no voy a hacerlo tan seguido como lo hacía. Prefiero poner mis energías en otras personas, realmente.
Warrior of dreamwarriorofdream on July 14th, 2013 12:31 pm (UTC)
I think your 'friends' aren't the real one.
In my opinion if you cna't find a sec for another person, what's a point fo relationship?! oh I know be used by them, ebcause they are so selfish and egoist.
I also have friends like you aorund the whole world, we have time difference, schedules, we can't don't tlak for 2 months, but at the end I'm always finding time to catch up with them and relationships grows.
but still try not to cross them forever, ask them honestly why thhey don't want to meet you, how you feel, maybe idk sth happeneing in their life and they can't or don't feel like meet with you and it's not your fault.
I've recently have state like this, to don't talk, meet and people misunderstand me like I don't give a shit about them, the reality was more cruel that I dcoudn't find inner strenght to do it because of my illness. so you need to know their story, but also don't let them fool you!

If you want to achive sth you have to give sth!!!
if they don't give a shit about you, even if you ask them, then I would cross them form my list of frineds. they aren't real friends.

for me real friend is someone who is often for you 'not always, everyone has their own stuffs' but if you have urgent matter they will find time to read your message and replay or meet. they are the people who accpet you for who you are, they can give you advices how to change things in your life but basically they support you in evetyhign you do!
they don't trun their back on you. and you cna feel conection with them, it doens't mean the same hobbies, it's just you know they care about you, and you do them same. and if they ask how are you, you know they care not just ask because it appropriate to do...
소라jeune_fleur on July 24th, 2013 12:27 am (UTC)
I don't know how real they are, tbh. I think I can call them my friends because I can trust them and they know they can trust me, but at the same time I admit we aren't as close as I thought we were.

I have no idea if I should talk about this or not. I know they are plain lazy and that's part of their personality... but it annoys me because that doesn't let the relationship grow!
Warrior of dreamwarriorofdream on July 24th, 2013 06:40 am (UTC)
talking doesn't cost much and it's worth to see other people perspective especially if they are your friends!
deep cover gecko: [SNSD] →  all we really want is girlsburger on July 14th, 2013 07:23 pm (UTC)
I know how you feel! A lot of my "friends" from school were just like that, we'd always make plans to do things when we all had spare time but they very rarely happened, and I got very sick of being the only one making the effort. And like you and your friends, we all lived 30 minutes or less away from each other, so it wasn't hard to see each other if they wanted to. I get so sick of people being flaky and lying about wanting to hang out! And I agree, my online friends who live THOUSANDS of miles away keep plans much better than those irl friends did!

I'm really bad at confronting people too, like you I often let people get away with things even when I'm angry or upset. So in those cases, I eventually just stopped trying too and the friendship sort of faded away, but I didn't have the courage to actually confront them about it and tell them they were being bad friends. I know sometimes people can be busy but your friends have no excuse for NOT CONTACTING YOU AT ALL! Even if they had called or messaged you to say they wouldn't have time to hang out for a while it would show they cared, total silence from them is the worst.

I wish I had some advice for you! It's quite painful and frustrating when you feel like your friends aren't putting in the effort, and you're the only one who cares about it :/ I hope things improve, because right now they're sounding like bad friends! It'd be a shame to throw away a friendship completely so, maybe try to contact them one last time and ask them to meet up sometime or tell them you miss them and it's bothering you, but if they STILL keep making excuses, or refuse to contact you, then maybe they're not worth wasting your time on. Friends who make you feel bad are awful :(
소라: Chesire catjeune_fleur on July 24th, 2013 12:16 am (UTC)
Yeah, it's been weeks and I still can't say anything about it to them :/ I have no idea why. Maybe I just don't care that much about them anymore? Like, when people don't make an effort on keeping the friendship, then I lose it as well.

I would understand it decades ago when you didn't have internet or cellphones, but nowadays it's super easy to drop a message.
THOUGH IT SHOULDN'T BE LIKE DEBRA WHO SENT ME TEXTED ME ON THE "FRIEND'S DAY" XD. I lol-ed so much when I got it!

I just wonder why they're like this. I mean, one of them has a boyfriend and a huge group of friends, and I am clearly not a really close one, but the other one... I thought we were pretty close! Tbh we talk ALL the time on facebook but, come on, if I have the chance to meet up with you face-to-face, I prefer it!
Veritoverito_s on July 15th, 2013 02:47 am (UTC)
Así que... xD no he comentado en forever, pero vi esta entry y te entiendo, en verdad que sí, la mayoría de mis amigos del colegio viven a 15~20 min de mi casa, una estación de metro y como, 3 minutos en auto (LO CONTÉ!) pero no los veo NUNCA, en cambio mi mejor amiga vive a 45 min~1 hora y la veo mucho más, otra amiga vive realmente lejos y la veo todas las semanas :/
Un asco, además que es una la que dice "juntemonos" y tienes que hacer los planes, no sé, yo creo que cuando quieres ver a alguien, haces el esfuerzo :/ y hay veces que el esfuerzo es one sided. y da lata, pero no creo que sea porque te quieran menos, si no porque el tipo de persona que son no se preocupan tanto (pero igual obvio que da lata)

Algún día volveré al LJ xD y leeré entrada~s así que no me borres en un proximo f-cut btw.

Saludos Sora, espero que todo esté bien :D
소라jeune_fleur on July 24th, 2013 12:11 am (UTC)
Graciar por comentar Vero . ¿Cómo estuviste este tiempo? Hace mil no se nada de vos >_<;; y no te preocupes, no te voy a borrar :3 a las personas con "trayectoria" en mi journal no las borro XD.

yo creo que cuando quieres ver a alguien, haces el esfuerzo :/ y hay veces que el esfuerzo es one sided. y da lata, pero no creo que sea porque te quieran menos, si no porque el tipo de persona que son no se preocupan tanto

¡Tal cual! Odio cuando solamente una sola parte quiere verse y la otra demuestra poco y nada...
Yo se que no es porque no me quieran, pero tal vez me da la sensación de que no sos TAN amiga si ni una vez al mes te quieren ver... y no es que estén ocupadas. Creeme, lo se >.<;;
I n f i n i t y ♪: GD WTF?1stepcl0ser on July 20th, 2013 12:57 pm (UTC)
i know what you mean. one of my best friends lives in america and we talk DAILY and we always message each other and find time for each other. basically a lot of my "online friends" (let's call them that) are more caring and would meet up more often with me than my rl friends. my rl friends live so close to me, obviously, but they rarely text me or ask how i feel, and when it comes to meeting up i am always the one who has to ask, and even then they react bored or "sorry i'm so busy" and then i see them post pics with other people on fb. pff. srsly, i try to concentrate on those few rl friends who still care and idc about the rest. if they text me - okay. if not, i can't change it. i've tried to tell them but they won't listen. it's sad but what should i do?
소라jeune_fleur on July 24th, 2013 12:07 am (UTC)
"if they text me - okay. if not, i can't change it."

Exactly what I'm thinking & feeling! I know they are NOT bad persons; maybe I'm not their plan A but B or even C, but still... it feels kinda weird. If you start planning something with someone, you can't just leave in the middle....

Edited at 2013-07-24 12:07 am (UTC)
André ♕ .goldishfreckles on July 28th, 2013 03:28 pm (UTC)
Lo que pasa es que....bueno, te entiendo, pero es que eres una persona que haces muchas cosas. Tienes muchos talentos y generalmente logras todos tus propósitos, y pues no todos logran cumplir sus metas, quizá por eso ellas no se toman las cosas tan en serio como tú...pero no te sientas mal :)

<3
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